I really hate this theme.

I’ve already set it somewhere, to be a single column, and now the blog section is in two columns. I really wish I had the time to figure out how to make a theme from scratch, so I didn’t have to deal with all this obnoxious crap. It’s just the obnoxious catch 22 that is my life after all. What I want to do, I can’t do, because I have to do something else first, but before I can do that, I have to do this other thing, and that thing, and some other damn thing. It’s a miracle I ever get anything done at all.

I want my menu bar to behave differently. I’d like to have a menu bar that changes depending on what page the user is on, but that seems outside the realm of something I have control over, unless I assemble a theme from scratch, which appears will be the only way I’ll ever get it to look how I want. Unfortunately, as much as I hate the way this site looks in certain formats, there’s a lot more I need to do first. So relearning css, php, and whatever else I need to talk to the WordPress CMS will just have to wait until I have the time to throw at it.

Wear Sunscreen.” There’s a line in this song that talks about figuring out what you want to do with your life. Something about the most interesting people he knows still didn’t know what they wanted to do at 40. I’m 43, and disabled. It’s a frustrating situation for me. I’ve got a double dose of processing disorder, and it makes learning things a challenge, and even more of a challenge is staying gainfully employed.

Between the age of 16 and 23 I had over 351 jobs. I’ve been depressed a lot of my life, and mostly because I fail, at everything, all the time. My successes are few and far between, and my failures are as common as breathing. Some days it’s like, I’m drowning on dry land. Just totally overwhelmed at everything that is my life. I can’t seem to win for losing.  I exist, on an income provided to me by the government because I’m am 100% disabled, and I’ll likely never be able to hold down a job. I’ve tried. A lot. I’ve tried it with meds, without meds, I’ve tried it with help, and without help, I’ve tried it with vocational rehab agencies, and without, and without meds, help and vocational rehab agencies, I’ve actually had a few successes, for short periods of time, but with all those things, it’s an endless mire of shit and nothing happens in the window of time I have where I’m able to stand up on my own two feet.  Life always knocks me down, I stand up, and I get knocked down, and I stand up and I get knocked down, and sometimes I stay down for a while. Sometimes I get so fucking tired of standing up and trying to do this on my own, in a situation where nobody really understands me or what I’m going through, and it gets frustrating, and then I drop into another mire of shit, with a downward spiral, where I start wondering why the fuck I even bother at all…

One of the biggest problems with Vocational Rehab agencies is Politics. They exist to make senators feel good about their states job programs, but they don’t fucking listen to the people they claim they are helping. I’m not sure if that’s a cross the board opinion of those places, but if I had a hundred dollars for every time I’ve been ignored by people that were supposed to be helping me gain and keep employment, I’d have at least 2000 dollars. How many times I’ve asked for help setting up a business, some kind of thing where I can work at home and succeed enough to pay my own bills, and maybe, just maybe crawl out from under this burden of debt.

I’ve flunked out of more colleges than any one of my readers has probably ever attended in their lifetime. I don’t view this as my failing though, I view this as a failing of the education system. Colleges really aren’t there to teach you what you need to know, they exist to make money, and they overcharge you to learn it. But you’ll get a piece of paper that says you know it. Whooptee doo. The only pieces of paper I get regarding my education is academic probation, F’s and A’s on my report card, and a good chunk of debt burden.

Overall, my total debt burden is probably less than 30K, which isn’t bad at 43, but when you exist on less than 10,000 a year, and you pay car insurance, rent, food, utilities, and every other thing that you kinda have no choice but to spend, you wind up with other debts.

I wanted to try to be a millionaire by the time I was 45. Short of winning the lottery that I hardly ever play, I don’t see that happening, but who knows, I’m not 45 yet. Still have a bit over a year to get there.

In my dreams, I see all kinds of ways to create a living legacy. But to make sure they stick around after I go, I kind of have to create some kind of business, or trust, or something to manage the money, or the business, to keep the legacy alive after I’m gone. But to get there…

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